Remembering Christy White 15 Years Later

Anytime I see a bench, I always think of her, due to the dreams I have (part III)

To those that I went to school with (and others), a lot of you didn't know that there was a special friend in my life from 1995-2001, someone to share my ups and downs with, someone who could tell me their fears, their whispers, and their struggles. Christy Nichole White was that person. We both had something in common and that was Cystic Fibrosis (CF). I knew Christy for 6 years, and during those years we talked on the phone, postal mailed one another, chatted on the internet and saw each other a few times. I deeply miss my friend.

April 7th marks the 15th anniversary of Christy's passing from CF (Sepsis) and there hasn't been a year that I forgot. But to be honest, if it wasn't for the 2010 film 'Listen To Your Heart ' I wouldn't have wrote anything. You can currently watch the film on Netflix.

The film touched my soul and it reminded me of when I went through 6 months of chemo therapy back in 2011 due to having stage 4 non-hodgkin's lymphoma from my anti rejection medication due to my double lung transplant in Sept 2010. I wished I had a friend by my side. 

The main character (Danny) in the film was so lucky to have someone care for him the way his girlfriend did. Heck, even if they were just friends, he still was the luckiest guy in the world. But. . it's a movie and I realize life isn't a fairy tale.

(2000)

I received the call that Christy had passed away from my camp friend Jim Binkley (non CFer) on Sunday, April 8th 2001 around 6 PM ET. I was in shock. I hadn't talked to Christy for nearly 9 months and I didn't know that she was sick or in the hospital. Wednesday, April 11th 2001 at 10:45 AM ET was her funeral. A service was held and Christy was cremated. I did attend.

I woke up at 5 AM and Jim came to pick me up at 8 AM. Before Christy's funeral that morning, we headed to the funeral home around 9:15 AM because he wanted to stop and grab a funeral pamphlet for someone who couldn't attend her funeral. I have no clue who that individual was. Ann Marie Jewell was the only other CFer to attend, along with her Mom. It was nice to see the both of them again.

I remember Jim's exact words once we stepped inside the doors.

"Do you want to go inside and see Christy, she's still here?"

I took a deep breath in and said. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Jim and I walked up to Christy and I remember telling him, even in death, she still looked beautiful. I remember trying to hold back the tears as my eyes watered, and I did. My stomach was turning, and just like the time I went and visited Christy on March 4th 2000, I was nervous.

Jim told me he'd be back in a bit.

I hadn't seen Christy in 11 months, but I knew what Jim did. He was giving me my private time to say goodbye to her, in my own way. Jim and I were the only two people in the funeral home, besides the funeral home director, who graciously gave me time alone to be with Christy. I knew this was my time and I would never have it again.

I slowly walked closer to Christy with my hands clasped behind me. I remember shaking my head sideways and whispering softly to Christy, as the gates opened and tears flowed down my face.

"I can't believe this is happening. It just seemed like 11 months ago we were chasing each other around the school yard. I was pushing you on the swing and you were giggling. I was just holding you. .  saying how happy I was to see you after 3 years. Chris. .  it wasn't suppose to be like this. I was the one who was suppose to go first, remember?"

All I could hear in the funeral home was silence. For the very first time in 6 years, I couldn't hear her breathe, she wasn't struggling to breathe due to her diseased and damaged lungs. Her chest wasn't struggling to move up and down. She wasn't coughing. She was quite. .  my world was quite.

I knew for the next 15 minutes, this was it. I needed to say goodbye on my own, just the two of us. Together. I held her cold hands. I never wanted to let go. This time though, she wasn't there to wipe away my tears, as she did back on March 4th 2000, the last time I saw her. I cried on that day, because yet again, I was leaving her. She said to me on the drive back to her house.

"Don't cry (with a smile on her face), you'll make me cry."

I looked over and she had a tear down her left cheek.

Christy and I were just friends, but I always thought of us as special friends. I always enjoyed our conversations. I could do something nice for her and even if it was something small, or large, her appreciation said it with her smile.

March 4th 2000 I said a lot to Christy face to face that I had wanted to say through the years, and looking back, I'm so glad that I did. I'm so glad I was able to see her smile. I was so glad to call her my friend. I cared for her.

     ' The Stable Song ' by Gregory Alan Isakov w/ lyrics