Remembering Christy 15 Years Later Part II

My favorite picture of Christy.

I walked over to the bulletin board and I remember saying the following.

"I missed out on so much of your life, and I'm truly and deeply sorry."

I just wanted to hug her, hold her, and tell her everything was going to be ok. I didn't want to leave the funeral home. I just wanted to stay until she woke up from her sleep. In reality, I  knew that wasn't going to happen. 

Christy and I never had any pictures together, and I remember thinking how all her friends were so lucky to have pictures of her with them included.

She laid there peaceful and all I could do was think of the good times we had together. It has been 15 years, but I still remember what she was wearing. She was wearing a baby blue top. Her hair was exactly as it is above, blonde with a reddish tint and same hair style as well. A cross with beads was clasped in her hands. At the funeral (along with a lot of other people), I placed a stuffed Tigger toy in her casket, because she loved Tigger and Winnie The Pooh.

15 years later I still remember those 15 minutes that Jim gave me to say my final goodbye. It was with no one around, and a downpour of tears.

Thank you Jim. (RIP: 10-26-06).

After a tragic event, there always seems to be the aftermath. After Christy passed away, I had such a hard time sleeping at night off and on for the next 3 years. All I could do is picture her face and think of her. Sometimes I would hear noises in my head and it just kept me up. Sometimes I'd be seconds away from falling asleep, then I'd hear a whisper or someone saying something. Eventually. .  all that went away.

It took me 6 years just to be able to say her name, think of her, and not actually cry. What helped during those years? Making blogs and web pages. I had made a website via Geocities (remember that back in the day?) 6 months after she passed away. I kept the pages up and started typing blogs. I actually found that website, and since Geocities is no longer around, the page might look funny and some links don't work due to the service no longer in use, including music. 

At the end of this, I enclosed Christy's Memorial from October 2001, 6 months after she passed away. 

Writing blogs etc is therapeutic for me, and cheaper. :)

These glamour shots were taken several months before Christy died.

During those six years there were many times I'd just plop myself on the floor with my back against my bed and ball my eyes out as I went through pictures of Christy at 3 AM in the morning. There was no grave site (since Christy was cremated), so I couldn't just drive over an hour and a half and talk to her. I had nothing of hers. There was no physical presence left, and that hurt me and made me depressed throughout those 6 years.

I'd actually pray that I would dream of Christy, just so I could feel what it was like to be around her again. Not just that, but to have a physical conversation with her.

This is actually going to be the first time I mention this, but thanks to a certain individual, they helped me move on, and they never knew it. With a tear, I'm sad to say this person is no longer in my life. I'm a firm believer if you're not like other individuals, than those people don't want anything to do with you. Period.

The person that came back into my life was a CFer from CF Camp, and they actually were the one that introduced me to Christy back in July 1995. I was very hesitant to see this person at first, thinking I would never see them again, which was a very common thing that occurred at CF Camp. You left your friend(s) and some you never saw again, due to them dying or they just didn't return to camp. I was afraid of not seeing this person ever again.

We had a great time together, but in the coming weeks and months, things just fell through, and to be honest, I just wasn't good enough for them as a friend. So what do you do? There's nothing you can do. They just move on, toss you to the side, and go on with their life. I've learned that's the way people are, especially ones who have walls. I guess that's the motto of today's society, just move on.

It broke my heart 15 years ago to see my friend at the funeral home before she was moved to the church for her funeral services. It crushed me at her funeral, knowing I'd never see her again. Something happened to me after Christy died, and I haven't been the same since, and I know I'll never be what I was before her death.

2007 I thought my life would change for the better, to get back into contact with a CF friend, to become friends with her again. From that experience, I've learned not to get excited about anything in life, because if you do (at least for me), there's going to be a dark cloud right behind that happy cloud. You want to know the real sad part? I don't think some people realize what or how they make other people feel, without knowing what they're doing.

In 1995 or 1996 Christy wrote me the following in one of her letters. She told me she would never stop talking to me, and that she'd always care and be my friend.

The main character Danny in the movie 'Listen To Your Heart' said it best toward the end of the film to his girlfriend.

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

I look back on that letter that Christy wrote and wonder. . . .  how come all the people that care aren't here anymore?

   ' Heart Like Yours ' by Willamette Stone w/ lyrics
   (from the 2014 motion picture soundtrack If I Stay)