Remembering Christy White 15 Years Later

Anytime I see a bench, I always think of her, due to the dreams I have (part III)

To those that I went to school with (and others), a lot of you didn't know that there was a special friend in my life from 1995-2001, someone to share my ups and downs with, someone who could tell me their fears, their whispers, and their struggles. Christy Nichole White was that person. We both had something in common and that was Cystic Fibrosis (CF). I knew Christy for 6 years, and during those years we talked on the phone, postal mailed one another, chatted on the internet and saw each other a few times. I deeply miss my friend.

April 7th marks the 15th anniversary of Christy's passing from CF (Sepsis) and there hasn't been a year that I forgot. But to be honest, if it wasn't for the 2010 film 'Listen To Your Heart ' I wouldn't have wrote anything. You can currently watch the film on Netflix.

The film touched my soul and it reminded me of when I went through 6 months of chemo therapy back in 2011 due to having stage 4 non-hodgkin's lymphoma from my anti rejection medication due to my double lung transplant in Sept 2010. I wished I had a friend by my side. 

The main character (Danny) in the film was so lucky to have someone care for him the way his girlfriend did. Heck, even if they were just friends, he still was the luckiest guy in the world. But. . it's a movie and I realize life isn't a fairy tale.

(2000)

I received the call that Christy had passed away from my camp friend Jim Binkley (non CFer) on Sunday, April 8th 2001 around 6 PM ET. I was in shock. I hadn't talked to Christy for nearly 9 months and I didn't know that she was sick or in the hospital. Wednesday, April 11th 2001 at 10:45 AM ET was her funeral. A service was held and Christy was cremated. I did attend.

I woke up at 5 AM and Jim came to pick me up at 8 AM. Before Christy's funeral that morning, we headed to the funeral home around 9:15 AM because he wanted to stop and grab a funeral pamphlet for someone who couldn't attend her funeral. I have no clue who that individual was. Ann Marie Jewell was the only other CFer to attend, along with her Mom. It was nice to see the both of them again.

I remember Jim's exact words once we stepped inside the doors.

"Do you want to go inside and see Christy, she's still here?"

I took a deep breath in and said. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Jim and I walked up to Christy and I remember telling him, even in death, she still looked beautiful. I remember trying to hold back the tears as my eyes watered, and I did. My stomach was turning, and just like the time I went and visited Christy on March 4th 2000, I was nervous.

Jim told me he'd be back in a bit.

I hadn't seen Christy in 11 months, but I knew what Jim did. He was giving me my private time to say goodbye to her, in my own way. Jim and I were the only two people in the funeral home, besides the funeral home director, who graciously gave me time alone to be with Christy. I knew this was my time and I would never have it again.

I slowly walked closer to Christy with my hands clasped behind me. I remember shaking my head sideways and whispering softly to Christy, as the gates opened and tears flowed down my face.

"I can't believe this is happening. It just seemed like 11 months ago we were chasing each other around the school yard. I was pushing you on the swing and you were giggling. I was just holding you. .  saying how happy I was to see you after 3 years. Chris. .  it wasn't suppose to be like this. I was the one who was suppose to go first, remember?"

All I could hear in the funeral home was silence. For the very first time in 6 years, I couldn't hear her breathe, she wasn't struggling to breathe due to her diseased and damaged lungs. Her chest wasn't struggling to move up and down. She wasn't coughing. She was quite. .  my world was quite.

I knew for the next 15 minutes, this was it. I needed to say goodbye on my own, just the two of us. Together. I held her cold hands. I never wanted to let go. This time though, she wasn't there to wipe away my tears, as she did back on March 4th 2000, the last time I saw her. I cried on that day, because yet again, I was leaving her. She said to me on the drive back to her house.

"Don't cry (with a smile on her face), you'll make me cry."

I looked over and she had a tear down her left cheek.

Christy and I were just friends, but I always thought of us as special friends. I always enjoyed our conversations. I could do something nice for her and even if it was something small, or large, her appreciation said it with her smile.

March 4th 2000 I said a lot to Christy face to face that I had wanted to say through the years, and looking back, I'm so glad that I did. I'm so glad I was able to see her smile. I was so glad to call her my friend. I cared for her.

     ' The Stable Song ' by Gregory Alan Isakov w/ lyrics

Remembering Christy 15 Years Later Part II

My favorite picture of Christy.

I walked over to the bulletin board and I remember saying the following.

"I missed out on so much of your life, and I'm truly and deeply sorry."

I just wanted to hug her, hold her, and tell her everything was going to be ok. I didn't want to leave the funeral home. I just wanted to stay until she woke up from her sleep. In reality, I  knew that wasn't going to happen. 

Christy and I never had any pictures together, and I remember thinking how all her friends were so lucky to have pictures of her with them included.

She laid there peaceful and all I could do was think of the good times we had together. It has been 15 years, but I still remember what she was wearing. She was wearing a baby blue top. Her hair was exactly as it is above, blonde with a reddish tint and same hair style as well. A cross with beads was clasped in her hands. At the funeral (along with a lot of other people), I placed a stuffed Tigger toy in her casket, because she loved Tigger and Winnie The Pooh.

15 years later I still remember those 15 minutes that Jim gave me to say my final goodbye. It was with no one around, and a downpour of tears.

Thank you Jim. (RIP: 10-26-06).

After a tragic event, there always seems to be the aftermath. After Christy passed away, I had such a hard time sleeping at night off and on for the next 3 years. All I could do is picture her face and think of her. Sometimes I would hear noises in my head and it just kept me up. Sometimes I'd be seconds away from falling asleep, then I'd hear a whisper or someone saying something. Eventually. .  all that went away.

It took me 6 years just to be able to say her name, think of her, and not actually cry. What helped during those years? Making blogs and web pages. I had made a website via Geocities (remember that back in the day?) 6 months after she passed away. I kept the pages up and started typing blogs. I actually found that website, and since Geocities is no longer around, the page might look funny and some links don't work due to the service no longer in use, including music. 

At the end of this, I enclosed Christy's Memorial from October 2001, 6 months after she passed away. 

Writing blogs etc is therapeutic for me, and cheaper. :)

These glamour shots were taken several months before Christy died.

During those six years there were many times I'd just plop myself on the floor with my back against my bed and ball my eyes out as I went through pictures of Christy at 3 AM in the morning. There was no grave site (since Christy was cremated), so I couldn't just drive over an hour and a half and talk to her. I had nothing of hers. There was no physical presence left, and that hurt me and made me depressed throughout those 6 years.

I'd actually pray that I would dream of Christy, just so I could feel what it was like to be around her again. Not just that, but to have a physical conversation with her.

This is actually going to be the first time I mention this, but thanks to a certain individual, they helped me move on, and they never knew it. With a tear, I'm sad to say this person is no longer in my life. I'm a firm believer if you're not like other individuals, than those people don't want anything to do with you. Period.

The person that came back into my life was a CFer from CF Camp, and they actually were the one that introduced me to Christy back in July 1995. I was very hesitant to see this person at first, thinking I would never see them again, which was a very common thing that occurred at CF Camp. You left your friend(s) and some you never saw again, due to them dying or they just didn't return to camp. I was afraid of not seeing this person ever again.

We had a great time together, but in the coming weeks and months, things just fell through, and to be honest, I just wasn't good enough for them as a friend. So what do you do? There's nothing you can do. They just move on, toss you to the side, and go on with their life. I've learned that's the way people are, especially ones who have walls. I guess that's the motto of today's society, just move on.

It broke my heart 15 years ago to see my friend at the funeral home before she was moved to the church for her funeral services. It crushed me at her funeral, knowing I'd never see her again. Something happened to me after Christy died, and I haven't been the same since, and I know I'll never be what I was before her death.

2007 I thought my life would change for the better, to get back into contact with a CF friend, to become friends with her again. From that experience, I've learned not to get excited about anything in life, because if you do (at least for me), there's going to be a dark cloud right behind that happy cloud. You want to know the real sad part? I don't think some people realize what or how they make other people feel, without knowing what they're doing.

In 1995 or 1996 Christy wrote me the following in one of her letters. She told me she would never stop talking to me, and that she'd always care and be my friend.

The main character Danny in the movie 'Listen To Your Heart' said it best toward the end of the film to his girlfriend.

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

I look back on that letter that Christy wrote and wonder. . . .  how come all the people that care aren't here anymore?

   ' Heart Like Yours ' by Willamette Stone w/ lyrics
   (from the 2014 motion picture soundtrack If I Stay)

Remembering Christy 15 Years Later Part III

For the past 3 years I've had two dreams that were the same. I dream about a blonde girl in a lovely and breathtaking white dress near a creek. She's near a large tree and there are about 4-5 kids running around the tree, about 30 feet away from her. 

Where am I in this dream? I'm on top of a small hill next to a bench standing up and just watching her, as she slowly walks along the edge of the creek. The grass is Ireland green, with no weeds or dandelions in sight.

Now you see why I love benches, because I think of Christy anytime I'm near one.

In both dreams, I never walked down near her, which she's about 500 feet away from me. I don't know who the girl is, but I can only guess it's Christy. She's the only girl I ever dream about in my sleep. I can see her face, but at a distance, and I can't make out who it is.

Since I'm extremely sensitive to noises, it was so peaceful. No loudness, no being jolted by noises that rattle me. In my dream, whatever place this is, I was so relaxed and at peace.

This is a place I would love to be. One day I hope to get back there in my dreams and finish the story. Maybe it's just my brain playing mind games, but whatever it is, and whatever it takes, I'll get back there.


Here we are 15 years later and I still think of her during the day, at night, and in my dreams. That won't change until I die, and sometimes life's plans don't work out, as she left before me. Somehow, someway, I'm still here, but maybe. . .  just maybe. .  I'll embrace her once again.

Until we meet on that bench.

Christy's Memorial from October 2001

My playlist of songs that remind me of Christy

Christy's Poetry that she wrote to me (site from Oct 2001)

                        PROMISE by Ben Howard
   (from the 2014 motion picture soundtrack If I Stay)

Wrestlemania . . . what it means to me

Wrestlemania VI (1990) report with legendary interviewer/announcer Gene Okerlund.

Wrestlemania 32 has come and gone, and yet again, set an indoor attendance record at AT&T Stadium (former Cowboys stadium) in Arlington, TX and an indoor wrestling attendance record here in the U.S.

I've been a fan of wrestling since 1985 at the age of 7, but didn't watch my first Wrestlemania on pay-per-view (PPV) until Wrestlemania VI in 1990. My family and I did have cable, but just basic cable, thus we didn't have the capability to order PPV events. Saturday mornings is when I watched wrestling as a kid, Superstars of Wrestling and Wrestling Challenge, both on the USA Network.

At the time, my Mom worked with a friend and they both did house cleaning together for 4 years or so. My Mom's friend (her husband) worked for TCI Cable, which was a local cable company whom several years later was bought out by Comcast. He received the PPV events for free. I was friends with their two sons and daughter and we'd all get together at their house and watch Wrestlemania, while my Mom and her friend would hang out in the dining room. It was super fun! It was like we all had our own Wrestlemania party.

The Ultimate Challenge

Title VS Title

Hulk Hogan (WWF Champion) VS. Ultimate Warrior (WWF Intercontinental Champion)

April 1st 1990

Toronto SkyDome

Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Attendance: 67,678

WWE had their first Wrestlemania on March 31st 1985 at New York's Madison Square Garden where they call 'home' and it was a huge success. It wasn't on PPV across the U.S., only in some areas, but it was on closed circuit TV, which meant you had to go to your local theater or other outlets to watch the event. The Wrestling Classic (November 7th 1985) was the first event to be on PPV across the country, 2nd event to be on PPV overall.

We also got together and watched Royal Rumble 1991 and Wrestlemania VII. I only remember watching those three events with them at their house. Luckily though, I've seen all the Wrestlemania events via VHS/DVD/Blu-ray.

Sgt. Slaughter (WWF Champion) VS. Hulk Hogan

March 24th 1991

Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena

Los Angeles, CA

Attendance: 16,151

My favorite Wrestlemania is Wrestlemania III, which took place here in Pontiac, MI at the Pontiac Silverdome on March 29th 1987. My 2nd favorite would be Wrestlemania VI.

The events were so magical and not to mention the music, which is currently playing. The WWF used this theme song for several of their Wrestlemania events through the early 90's. I've always been a fan of instrumental music instead of music with lyrics, as it pertains to the Wrestlemania theme song.

Check out the history of Wrestlemania below.


Wrestlemania - Wrestlemania 32